


LOL. :)

by JennaFlare



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Canon Compliant, Humor, Light Angst, M/M, Pre-Canon, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23656660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennaFlare/pseuds/JennaFlare
Summary: Five months before the Rose family loses everything, David is given a fake phone number.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 23
Kudos: 243





	LOL. :)

**David (23:44):** hey, it's David from last night

 **David (23:44):** I really liked talking to you & you should show me that cafe you mentioned

 **Anthony (23:47):** Sorry, I think you have the wrong number.

 **David (23:49):** we talked for like an hour

 **David (23:50):** is this… not anthony

 **Anthony (23:51):** Nope, this is Patrick.

David wrinkles his nose at his phone. Well, fuck. He changes the name in his contacts and frowns at the screen.

**David (23:51):** well, fuck

 **David (23:52):** I knew I was undesirable but this is a new low

 **David (23:53):** god he didnt even have the decency to use a new york number. not even putting an effort into his bald-faced deception 

**Patrick (23:54):** Huh.

 **David (23:54):** huh?

 **Patrick (23:55):** Oh, you know, it's not every day you get a perfect stranger texting you about their ruined prospects.

 **David (23:56):** ruined prospects? what am I? an Austen heroine?

 **Patrick (23:56):** For all I know, yes.

 **David (23:56):** well I'm not

 **David (23:57):** things usually work out for her characters 

**Patrick (23:58):** Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Would you really want to go on a date with a person that gave you a fake phone number?

 **David (23:58):** I have exceptionally low standards

And then Patrick doesn't text back. Not that David is surprised. What do you even say to that? And it's not like the guy has any responsibility to keep texting him just because David is lonely.

David puts down the phone and takes in his apartment. It's big. Not just in terms of square footage, though that's remarkably high for Brooklyn, but it has high ceilings, too. And a loft space. And no one in it but David. He folds his arms over his chest tightly, protectively.

It's two days and two terrible hangovers later when David hears from this Patrick person again. David is in his gallery, discussing with an artist how she wants her pieces displayed. She makes massive sculptures of vulvas and vaginas out of barbies, a commentary about the objectification of women and how early it starts. One of the sculptures is an actual tunnel, Barbies rippling along the inside like a vaginal wall, and the artist wants it to be the entrance to the show, so the logistics are a bit of a nightmare. He doesn't see the texts from Patrick until after she's satisfied that David understands her vision and leaves.

**Patrick (11:17):** Since you so kindly told me about your romantic troubles, I thought it would only be fair to share romantic troubles of my own.

 **Patrick (11:22):** Sorry, that was probably weird.

David's mouth twists to the side in a small smile at the second text. 

**David (11:43):** weird, yes, but also only fair

 **David (11:44):** what happened? get dumped while parasailing and get stuck in the air for three hours?

 **Patrick (11:46):** That's very specific. 

**David (11:47):** yeah it happened to me, specifically

 **Patrick (11:47):** You really weren't kidding about low standards.

 **David (11:48):** well go on, tell me

 **Patrick (11:49):** My girlfriend and I broke up last week.

 **David (11:51):** wow

 **David (11:51):** that sucks

He regrets it the second he hits send. He can't think of anything else, and he stares at his phone as the seconds stretch into minutes. Grey dots appear before his brain can come up with anything. 

**Patrick (11:56):** Yeah, this was weird. Sorry. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this, and I shouldn't have put it on you.

 **David (11:56):** no, no it's okay. why did you break up?

Maybe it was the wrong thing to ask, because Patrick doesn't respond immediately. David fingers the phone, flipping through different apps mindlessly until his phone buzzes again nearly ten minutes later.

**Patrick (12:07):** We just don't really click.

 **David (12:07):** oh

 **David (12:07):** well at least it was mutual then?

 **Patrick (12:09):** Not exactly. 

**David (12:09):** I guess now I have to ask if you were the dumper or the dumpee

 **Patrick (12:10):** I was the dumper. But I think that it had to be done.

 **David (12:10):** cool, so you’re not in need of comfort

 **David (12:11):** I personally have a lot more experience as the dumpee than the dumper, but I bet it’s nice being on the other side of the equation

 **Patrick (12:12):** Not really. There’s a lot of pressure for me to stay with her, but I don’t think we’re right for each other.

 **David (12:13):** okay that came out wrong

 **David (12:13):** I meant like

 **David (12:14):** it was a joke, and in my defense tone really doesn’t come through well over text. especially not my tone. I have a very specific tone that is very hard to read in text 

**David (12:14):** I’m sorry about your whole situation

 **David (12:14):** it takes a lot of strength to end a relationship when it needs to end

 **David (12:14):** I’m proud of you!

 **David (12:15):** wow 

**David (12:15):** that was a weird thing to say

 **David (12:15):** can you just like delete both that text and the memory of that text because I don't know you and saying I'm proud of you was definitely weird

David leans his forehead against his phone, silently cursing himself. It's bad enough when he word vomits in person, but in text he can look back at exactly what he said and agonize over every little thing. Proud of him? What the fuck was David thinking? The phone buzzes against his skull, and he pulls back to see what Patrick said.

**Patrick (12:16):** Definitely weird.

David squeezes his eyes shut and feels his whole face crinkle up and down and in. Then the phone buzzes again.

**Patrick (12:16):** But also only fair. I did make things weird first.

For some reason, the words make David smile. 

**Patrick (12:16):** And hey, the rambling made me smile, so that’s a win.

 **David (12:16):** strangers don't often tell me about their romantic problems! I dont know how I'm supposed to react to that!

 **Patrick (12:17:** I don't usually tell strangers my romantic problems.

 **David (12:17):** why did you tell me then

 **Patrick (12:17):** I guess I wanted to talk about it with someone who doesn’t know me. Or her. Sometimes confiding in a stranger is easier.

 **David (12:17):** as a teen I'd talk to strangers in chat rooms all the time I get it

 **Patrick (12:18):** That sounds like it was very safe.

 **David (12:18):** I only ever met with one of them in person

 **Patrick (12:19):** You met with any of them?

 **David (12:19):** she was very nice!

Someone says David's name then, a frustrated note in their voice as if they'd said it a few times and David hadn't heard.

**David (12:19):** I have to get back to work but I'm proud of you!

He does get back to work, but when his phone buzzes, David checks to see if it's Patrick.

**Patrick (12:20):** Have a good day, David. :)

As the day goes on, David thinks he should feel weird about wanting to talk to Patrick again. It's not like their conversations have exactly been fun so far. David has done nothing but make an idiot of himself. But Patrick confided in him. Yes, it was only because David is a stranger, but it felt nice. People don't confide in David. He has plenty of friends, but not, like, friends like that. Friends that confide in each other.

He has a hard time not texting Patrick as soon as he leaves the gallery. Then has a hard time not texting him once he's home. Then has a hard time not texting him the next morning on his way to the gallery.

And then he has an awful day in which Barbie vulva lady has an emotional breakdown because one of the people unloading her work accidentally knocked off a barbie's arm and David has to try and comfort her, and he decides _fuck it_ , he's going to text Patrick

**David (16:28):** can you do me a favor 

**David (16:28):** can you just like kill me

 **Patrick (16:29):** Aside from the physical distance between us making that pretty hard, I don't want to kill anyone OR go to jail, so I'm gonna pass. LOL.

 **David (16:30):** im sorry did you just write "LOL"? with a period? that is Incorrect

 **Patrick (16:30):** I'm sorry, did you just capitalize "Incorrect" when you didn't bother to capitalize "im"?

 **David (16:31):** it's a stylistic choice 

**David (16:31):** for emphasis

 **Patrick (16:32):** I'm a fan of actual grammar, myself, but I guess as long as I can understand you it doesn't matter how you decide to write your texts. :)

 **David (16:32):** that smiley is extremely threatening

 **Patrick (16:32):** :)

 **David (16:32):** ew

 **David (16:32):** please never do that again it is even worse on its own

 **David (16:33):** anyway how do you know you're too far away to kill me

 **Patrick (16:33):** Because you live in New York and I don't?

 **David (16:33):** um

 **David (16:33):** how do you know I live in new york?

 **Patrick (16:34):** You implied it during our first conversation. Something about New York area codes?

 **David (16:34):** oh

 **Patrick (16:34):** Yeah. Not a creepy stalker.

 **David (16:34):** that's a relief!

David has a glass of wine, and he's texted a few of his friends to see what they're doing tonight, but none of them have gotten back to him yet. They're probably busy. But Patrick is texting him back, and David feels justified in wanting to talk to him more. Despite the fact that Patrick could be literally anyone, a fact David has been trying very hard to ignore.

**David (16:34):** okay so you obviously agree that I deserve to know where you live since you know where I live.

 **David (16:35):** if only to prove that you’re not, in fact, a creepy stalker

 **Patrick (16:35):** How do I know that you’re not the creepy stalker?

 **David (16:35):** oh, i am way too busy to stalk someone

 **David (16:35):** and I have been stalked before and wouldn’t do that to someone

 **Patrick (16:35):** You must be the unluckiest person I’ve ever spoken to.

 **David (16:36):** yeah I attract monsters

 **David (16:36):** come on tell me

 **Patrick (16:36):** Ontario.

 **David (16:36):** is that as specific as you’re going to get? New York is way smaller than Ontario. if we were going to stalk each other, you’d have less ground to cover

 **Patrick (16:36):** True, but New York has more people. I think we’re good on location specifics.

 **David (16:36):** yeah I guess

 **David (16:36):** pressing this will make me seem really creepy, won’t it

 **Patrick (16:36):** Big time. :)

 **David (16:37):** ew

 **David (16:37):** seriously

 **David (16:37):** that smiley is deeply unsettling

 **Patrick (16:37):** I’ve never met someone so disturbed by an emoticon.

 **David (16:37):** it’s soulless

 **David (16:37):** I think it’s going to steal mine

 **Patrick (16:38):** Your soul?

 **David (16:38):** yes!

David can’t help but grin at his phone, and he’s glad that he’s at home for it. His employees at the gallery kept asking him who he’d been texting yesterday, and he didn’t want to keep brushing them off. It wasn’t like he could honestly tell them that he was texting some guy named Patrick that he literally didn’t know anything about, and that somehow David liked talking to him more than he liked talking to most of his actual friends. And as long as he has this phone in his hands, Patrick texting him back, he doesn’t notice his cavernously empty apartment.

Quickly, probably too quickly, texting Patrick becomes a habit.

  
  


**Patrick (00:58):** I can’t believe you don’t go to White Castle all the time.

 **David (00:58):** There are no words for how scandalized I feel.

 **Patrick (00:59):** Do you only use proper punctuation when you feel scandalized?

 **David (00:59):** Yes.

  
  


**David (19:34):** okay, well, her work is transcendental

 **Patrick (19:34):** Vulvas made out of Barbies?

 **David (19:34):** person-sized vulvas made out of Barbies, yes. and each one is based on the vulva of a person she loves

 **Patrick (19:34):** And you have to walk through one of these Barbie vulvas to get to the rest of the Barbie vulvas?

 **David (19:34):** that is correct, yes

 **Patrick (19:34):** Transcendental. 

  
  


**David (21:19):** and THEN he said that we should all be ashamed of ourselves for displaying “such disgusting, vulgar artwork”

 **Patrick (21:19):** To be fair, it is a bunch of giant vulvas constructed from Barbies. 

**David (21:20):** oh my god, are you on his side?

 **Patrick (21:20):** No, I just find the whole concept of this show to be very funny.

 **David (21:20):** her work is transcendental

 **Patrick (21:20):** So you said. But hey, let me make you feel better about your crappy day by telling you about my crappy day.

 **David (21:20):** I don’t think that will work but fine

 **Patrick (21:21):** I ran into my ex-girlfriend’s parents at the grocery store today.

 **David (21:21):** yeah, okay, that helps, that's awful

  
  


It’s easier talking to Patrick than to most of his friends. Which is probably why after a week of texting, during a party he's throwing, David hides in his own bathroom and texts Patrick.

**David (2:32):** heeney Patrick 

**David (2:33):** theres so many people in my apartment tight nw 

**David (2:33):** Patrick dont be asleep come on text me back in hiding in my ownbaybroom 

David doesn’t even want to be throwing this party. Not even a little bit. Unfortunately, his friends all agreed that David’s space and location were best-suited to their purposes, so he was outvoted and now had way too many drunk people in his apartment. He had hoped that getting just as fucked up as everyone else would somehow make all of this fun, but so far it hadn’t worked.

**David (2:33):** patric

 **David (2:33):** heyhey hey parry j what do you look like because you text like an old man! Are you old

 **David (2:34):** with your permission can I imagine you as a strapping Austen hero

 **Patrick (2:34):** Are Austen heroes typically strapping?

 **David (2:35):** Patrick! And yes, when I insgineb them they are very strapping

 **Patrick (2:35):** Are you… drunk?

 **David (2:35):** very!

 **Patrick (2:36):** Surprisingly coherent.

 **David (2:36):** its the autocrext 

**David (2:36)** pAtrici! You text lokennt dad arecu8u old

 **Patrick (2:37):** If you're asking me if I'm old, the answer is no.

 **David (2:37):** are you a baby???

 **Patrick (2:37):** You figured me out. You've been texting an infant.

 **David (2:37):** omg!!!!!

 **Patrick (2:38):** So you're throwing a party, but you're hiding in your… I think that was supposed to say bathroom? And texting me?

 **David (2:38):** yeah no one will notice d

 **David (2:38):** unless someone keed to use the bas thrnok 

**Patrick (2:39):** I guess bathroom is very hard for you to type while drunk.

 **David (2:39):** its long 

**David (2:39):** lots of letters I can nesszyo

 **Patrick (2:40):** I'm trying really hard to figure out that last word and I'm coming up empty. Have you drunk any water tonight?

 **David (2:40):** yes dad in 30 not 16 I know how to drink 

**David (2:40):** parric!!!! How old!!!!!

 **Patrick (2:41):** You're very set on this, huh?

 **David (2:41):** I dont know anything about you!

 **Patrick (2:42):** We're about the same age.

 **David (2:42):** what does that mend!

 **Patrick (2:43):** LOL.

David is absolutely grinning at his phone, having way more fun talking to Patrick than he had been having out in the party, when someone bangs loudly on the bathroom door. David can hardly hear it over the music that thrums through the apartment, but the door rattles in the frame as someone pounds on it.

"Um, occupied!" David yells, a smile still stretching his mouth.

**David (2:44):** ou no skemtone wants in to the bathcron

 **Patrick (2:44):** You should probably let them in before they decide to relieve themselves in one of your plants.

 **David (2:44):** o tuck

 **David (2:44):** your right

 **David (2:44):** it's so loud it here

 **Patrick (2:45):** You don't really sound like you want to be hosting a party. Why did you throw one in the first place? 

**David (2:46):** best esy to trick people into hanging out wi t.f h me

David is back out in the party, which has thinned a little, but the music is still loud enough to feel in his chest and the floor crowded enough that he has to perform a stumbling serpentine to get to a couch. His eyes don't leave his phone as he walks, and he bumps into a few people who don't pay him much attention. He stares at his screen, his smile fading the longer it takes for Patrick to respond. Maybe he fell asleep. It is pretty late.

**Patrick (2:49):** Well, I think anyone who doesn't want to spend time with you is an idiot. I really like talking to you.

The smile is instantly back, stupidly big, nearly hurting. Patrick really likes talking to him. Which David had kind of known, but it's nice having actual confirmation.

Patrick falls asleep before David's guests have all cleared out or passed out. When the last conscious person stumbles, giggling, out David's door, David presses his back against a wall to steady himself. He looks again at Patrick's last text and smiles quietly to himself, feeling better than he usually feels after a party.

**Patrick (3:11):** I'll text you tomorrow. Goodnight, David. Don't let the haters get you down. :)

They text pretty much every day for a month, about everything. Patrick loves to take the air out of David's tires, and David definitely hates it, but keeps talking to him anyway. Something about it clicks. And sometimes, just sometimes, David is certain that Patrick is flirting with him. But that would be crazy, because they don't know anything about each other. Sure, David knows that Patrick and his girlfriend have broken up twice before this, and that there's a lot of pressure for them to get back together. And Patrick knows that David has the worst romantic luck. And David knows that Patrick cares about his family a lot. And Patrick knows that David is deeply, deeply lonely, even if he's never explicitly said so.

But they don't know other important things. Like, pretty much everything. Patrick said he was about David's age, but that could mean anything. Or it could be a lie. David doesn't know what Patrick looks like.

The thought that Patrick might be flirting with him shouldn't be as exhilarating as it is.

**David (14:02):** ok so you never talk about what you do for fun

 **Patrick (14:02):** I like to play baseball.

 **David (14:02):** oh wow no, it's better that you keep not talking about your interests

 **Patrick (14:02):** Not a sports guy, huh?

 **David (14:03):** I'm morally opposed to team sports

 **Patrick (14:03):** I'm kind of curious, but also worried that if I ask I'll get an angry text spam.

 **David (14:03):** excuse me

 **David (14:03):** I do not spam texts

 **David (14:03):** I send the appropriate number of texts

 **David (14:03):** for, you know, whatever point it is that I'm making

 **David (14:03):** so therefore, none of it is "spamming texts"

 **Patrick (14:03):** You do realize you sent me five angry texts to explain you don't send me angry text spams?

 **David (14:04):**

**Patrick (14:04):** Is that just an empty text message? Did you send me a blank text to express disapproval?

 **David (14:04):** I don't know, did I?

 **Patrick (14:05):** Kinda seems like you did, David.

 **David (14:05):** Well, I was informed that I send angry text spams, so I'm trying not to do that.

 **Patrick (14:05):** Wow, you must be really mad. There's a period at the end of that sentence.

 **David (14:05):** Oh, you noticed that? 

**Patrick (14:05):** I like the angry text spams.

See, this kind of thing. Was this flirting? Getting a read just through text is impossible.

**David (14:05):** good because I'm not stopping them

 **Patrick (14:06):** Thank God.

 **David (14:06):** ha ha very cute

David would ask someone for their opinion on whether or not Patrick was flirting with him, but the only person he wants to ask is Patrick. 

**Patrick (14:06):** Aw, you think I'm cute?

He can't ask any of his friends without explaining that he's been texting some random guy. 

**David (14:06):** I mean like

And even if Alexis answered him, she would probably act like David was an idiot or crazy for doing something at 30 that she learned not to do at 13.

**David (14:06):** a cute personality, sure

And obviously, he can't ask Patrick.

It's a few days later and David is complaining to Patrick about his love life, like he always does lately because his friends are tired of hearing about it.

**David (19:32):** and he hasn't texted me back since I sent that 

**Patrick (19:33):** At least he didn't give you a fake phone number.

 **David (19:33):** I'd say that worked out way better than it's going with this guy

 **David (19:33):** why does this always happen to me

 **Patrick (19:33):** You did once tell me you attract monsters. Have you only ever dated men?

David pulls his phone away from his face, chin pulling back into his neck. What was that supposed to mean? But then, a rare double text.

**Patrick (19:33):** I'm sorry, I didn't mean you should try dating women if you don't want to, I was just curious. You don't have to share anything like that with me.

 **David (19:33):** it's okay

 **David (19:33):** I have dated women

 **David (19:33):** and people outside the gender binary 

**David (19:34):** I attract monsters of every gender 

**Patrick (19:34):** Gosh.

 **Patrick (19:35):** I'm realizing that came off kinda judgy. I'm just worried about your dating history.

 **Patrick (19:35):** And, admittedly, your dating future.

 **David (19:35):** wow! Three texts in a row from you 

**David (19:35):** I feel like we should memorialize this day somehow

 **Patrick (19:35):** LOL. :)

 **David (19:38):** that's on purpose isnt it

 **David (19:38):** you're trying to make me uncomfortable

 **Patrick (19:38):** You make it so easy. And don't think I didn't notice that very sly focus shift.

 **David (19:38):** yeah, you did that too

 **Patrick (19:39):** It's only fair.

 **David (19:39):** only fair

 **David (19:39):** so it's only fair if I ask if you've only dated women

 **Patrick (19:40):** Yeah, I guess you're right. I've only dated women.

David wants to ask more. Patrick did bring this up first.

**David (19:41):** have you ever wanted to be with a man?

 **Patrick (19:42):** Well now you're asking something I didn't.

David decides not to push.

**David (19:42):** what was I thinking, we're going by "only fair" rules

Another month finds David working on a new exhibition, this time a painter who creates diptychs and triptychs that are meant to be viewed separately, so that each piece is out of context. The body of work is about fake news, and how easily our perceptions of the world can be changed depending on what we see and when. The problem is that the artist won't tell David which paintings are sets, so it's nearly impossible for David to make sure the ones that belong together aren't displayed together.

**Patrick (21:19):** In theory, it sounds like it could be cool, but this person sounds like a nightmare.

 **David (21:19):** my mother always said that if an artist isn't a nightmare, they're probably not digging deep enough 

**Patrick (21:19):** Wow. That explains a lot.

 **David (21:19):** about what

 **Patrick (21:20):** You.

 **David (21:20):** are you calling me a nightmare 

**Patrick (21:20):** I say it with all the affection in the world, David.

 **David (21:20):** you don't even know anything about me!

 **Patrick (21:21):** We've texted pretty much every day for a month. I think I know at least a little about you.

 **David (21:21):** maybe

 **David (21:21:** but there's a lot we don't know

 **David (21:21):** like

 **David (21:21):** a Lot

 **David (21:21):** like I could walk past you on the street and have no idea

David usually tries not to think about how little he really knows about Patrick. It's easier for him if he doesn't. And once he starts thinking about it, he can't stop thinking about it. It's like his brain sees that dark thought tunnel and thinks, yeah, let's plunge into those depths.

**David (21:22):** it's just weird that we talk so much but theres so many super basic things I don't know. Like where do you even work?

 **David (21:22):** you'd think after two months I would know, but none of your work stories mention what you do

 **David (21:22):** it's weird

It's so weird. It's so weird because David likes Patrick, and he wants to know more about him. And he's pretty sure it's not _just_ because he's lonely. Even if he had people in his life that really gave a shit about him, David is pretty sure that he would still want to be friends with Patrick. Or more than friends. But Patrick is _probably_ straight, so that's another thing David tries not to think about.

**David (21:22):** I just mean, maybe we could share more stuff about ourselves

David really shouldn't be surprised that Patrick doesn't answer. Or that when he texts the next day, Patrick acts like David never said anything about sharing more about themselves.

And it's fine. It's probably for the best, really. If Patrick opened up more, then David would have to open up more, and that way lies danger. David knows because he's been down that road. So it's really for the best. Yeah. Definitely for the best.

A week after that awkwardness, David is hard at work on the show changeover. David had thought that getting the giant vulva sculptures _into_ the gallery was difficult; getting them out, especially after the broken arm incident during the unloading process, is hellish. The artist is hovering and watching every single hand on her artwork like a mother handing her baby to a less-than-careful uncle. Any time someone grabs something incorrectly, she shrieks and tells them that if they damage anything, she will sue them for destruction of property and emotional damages. David does his best to get her away from the artwork and keeps shoving cups of calming tea into her shaking hands. 

He's so busy that he barely has time to text Patrick, who tells him that he's going to a party that night. David tries not to be sad that that probably means Patrick won't be texting him that night, and he instructs Patrick not to have too much fun.

That evening finds David with a glass of wine, watching the Great British Bake Off to keep his mind off all the people that didn't answer his texts. Again. And then his phone buzzes. 

**Patrick (23:34):** Hey David. How is your night going?

 **David (23:34):** its fine 

**David (23:34):** how's the party 

**Patrick (23:37):** Great! Except that my ex is here and she keeps trying to talk to me.

 **David (23:37):** oh yikes

 **David (23:37):** does she want to like

 **David (23:37):** get back together?

 **Patrick (23:38):** Yep.

 **David (23:38):** and how do we feel about that?

 **Patrick (23:40):** Fuck, I don't know. I just dont think we're right for each other. But I'm the only one that seems to think that.

 **David (23:40):** why doesnt anyone agree with you?

 **Patrick (23:41):** I don't know. I guess since we've been together so long. People keep telling me you cant just give ip on something because it's hard.

 **David (23:41):** that's true but you dont really sound like the kind of person to give up just because it's hard

 **David (23:41):** also I know we're having a serious talk but look! Typos!

 **David (23:41):** you must be very upset to let your perfect grammar falter

 **Patrick (23:41):** I'm not upset, I'm drunk.

 **David (23:42):** oh! My! God! 

**David (23:42):** your drunk texting is incredible

 **Patrick (23:43):** I keep having to fix things. LOL

 **David (23:43):** and you still take the time to have lol in all caps

 **Patrick (23:43):** its important. It bugs you. 

**David (23:43):** wow

 **Patrick (23:45):** I love to make an effort for you, David.

 **David (23:45):** Wow.

 **Patrick (23:47):** You're a good person. At least, you definitely seem like one. Talking to you grounds me.

 **Patrick (23:50):** Like right now. Instead of talking to any of my friends here, I'm talking to you. That's so weird. We've never met, really. But I wish you were at this party.

David's breath catches.

His wine glass has dipped, and he straightens it before any of it spills onto his white furnishings. 

**Patrick (23:50):** I just really love talking to you, David.

It's getting a little hard for David to breathe, and GBBO is lost to the sound of his heart in his ears. He wants to hear Patrick say his name. He types it out so often, needlessly, like he just likes writing David's name. Like he likes the look of it. David sets down his wine glass, because his hands are shaking and he can't splash his red wine all over his upholstery.

He realizes that he could just call Patrick.

Before he thinks too hard about what he's doing, the phone is ringing.

And then the ringing stops, and the Arctic Monkeys are coming through the line, muffled and kind of distant. David opens his mouth to speak, but suddenly his throat is so tight that nothing comes out.

Patrick doesn't say anything. The music keeps playing, and under it David can hear the sounds of the party. Laughter and chatter and movement. And under that, just barely audible, breathing.

He ends the call without either of them speaking. His face is burning. Patrick's words had emboldened him, but only for a moment. Patrick's silence had killed any fanciful notions David had allowed himself to entertain, however briefly.

**David (23:52):** sorry, that was an accident 

**David (23:52):** I have fat fingers

Patrick doesn't text him back that night, and David finishes his bottle of wine.

The next time David hears from Patrick is two days later.

**Patrick (10:58):** I got back together with my ex

 **David (11:03):** oh

 **Patrick (11:09):** Yeah. 

**David (11:10):** wow 

**Patrick (11:10):** I just need to make more of an effort.

 **David (11:11):** are we sure that's the issue?

 **David (11:11):** the other night you seemed pretty sure you shouldn't be with her. Seems like a quick turnaround

 **David (11:13):** and you already broke up twice

 **David (11:17):** I just mean, how do you know it's going to work better this time?

 **Patrick (11:20):** Because I'm going to do better.

Things aren't the same after that. They start texting every couple days, then every few, then only weekly. Eventually, it just peters out entirely, and it had been almost a month since they'd spoken when the shit hits the fan for the Rose family.

They lose everything. David has never been so profoundly without. He loses his gallery, his apartment, ninety percent of his wardrobe, ninety-nine percent of his dignity. The family home is taken, every stick of furniture hauled out and into trucks. They lose everything, except for Schitt's Creek.

In all the chaos, one of the things David loses is his phone number. It's just another thing on the pile, a relatively small loss. His friends are all accessible through social media, so he can deal. His friends, though, were never great about responding to David. Suffice to say, they don't become better friends after David loses everything. So, add them to the list. Money, home, friends, all gone. 

The first night in the motel, David can't sleep. He's staring up at his ceiling, thinking too hard about everything. He needs to talk to someone, someone not his family because he has seen way too much of them in the last few days. 

In his head, he runs through the long list of people that haven't answered any of his DMs, and then the shorter list of people he hasn't tried to reach out to yet.

And then David thinks of Patrick.

His phone is in his hands and he's opening his texts before he remembers: all of his contacts are gone, erased with his lost phone number. And David doesn't have any other way to get in touch with him. He never learned a last name. Never exchanged social media handles.

He's never going to speak to Patrick again.

Even though they hadn't spoken in a month, this loss hits David harder than the droves of friends that weren't texting back.

The town lives up to its name. David hates it, right up until the point he doesn't anymore. It takes a long time, but after they almost sell the town and David comes back after running off, he realizes he's never had a friend like Stevie, so maybe it's not all bad. At some point, he doesn't think about what he lost every single day. He still thinks about it, often, but not daily. It's a step in the right direction.

He and his family have never been so close. It's weird. A good weird. 

And then he meets another Patrick. And David falls in love. And realizes that maybe he's never _really_ been in love before. At least not with someone that loved him, too.

They have a life in this town, somehow. They have a business and family and friends and they're _in love_ , which still kind of shocks David. But in a good way. The best way. He doesn't understand how or why he got so lucky, but he gives his thanks every day to God or the universe or whatever made this happen for him.

David is stretched out on Patrick's bed, back resting against Patrick's chest. He's texting Stevie about the motel's most recent order when Patrick chuckles.

"What?" David asks, glancing back and up at Patrick. 

"Nothing, it's nothing. There are just times your texts remind me of someone."

David turns in the circle of Patrick's arms, face wrinkling as he squints at his boyfriend.

"Who?"

Patrick half smiles and shrugs, bashful. "There was this guy."

"This _guy_ ?" David asks, eyes and voice bright and teasing. Patrick laughs and drops his eyes, and— "Oh my god, you're blushing! I thought _I_ was your first guy." David is grinning at Patrick, burning with curiosity. Patrick is smiling, too.

"You _are_. A few years ago, this guy was given a fake number that happened to be mine." He shrugs again, and doesn't notice that David has stopped breathing. "We ended up texting a lot."

"Really?" David asks in a tight voice. A coincidence. There's probably another Patrick somewhere out there in the vastness of Ontario that David texted all those years ago. There is no way it's the same man that he's half lying on top of this very moment. "Tell-Tell me more about him!"

"Coincidentally enough, his name was also David. We texted a lot for a couple months, and I _definitely_ had a crush on him. Then I got back together with Rachel, and I was so confused that I kind of… stopped reaching out to him." Patrick frowns now. "At some point I tried texting him again, but I guess he got a new number somewhere along the line."

David takes a stuttering breath, and Patrick finally cocks his head at David, a question on his lips, but David beats him to it. "When was this?"

"2013? I think?"

David's mouth falls open before he can stop himself.

"Patrick. Patrick, that was _me_." Patrick furrows his brow, then smiles.

"Yeah, okay."

"It _was._ "

"David—" David holds up a hand to cut him off, eyes intent on Patrick's.

"Giant. Barbie. Vaginas."

Patrick's eyes flash wide for a moment, his brow furrowing and sticking. 

".... I thought they were vulvas."

"They were both! But _you_ are missing the point!"

"No, I see the point, I'm just—just processing."

"What, that apparently we spoke literally years before we thought we met?"

Patrick breathes out a long breath, looking at David with this simultaneously confused and amazed expression. "Yeah. That. Wow."

David nods in fervent agreement, eyes popped wide. "Yeah. Wow."

"I mean I always thought it was kind of a funny coincidence that you were also a David that had a gallery in New York," Patrick offers weakly.

"A funny coincidence? How the hell did you never put two and two together?"

"I don't know, David, it's not like there aren't probably _other_ Davids that own a gallery in New York. I just, I don't think I ever thought it could actually be _you_. That—this isn't the kind of thing that happens in real life."

"Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like—" he stops talking before he can say anything like "destiny" or "fate" or "a fairytale." David is nodding again, and he forces himself to stop. "But I'm just now realizing that you knew way more about me than I knew about you. You could have looked me up, like, _very_ easily."

"Yeah I was really curious what those giant Barbie vulvas looked like, but I didn't want to accidentally find out too much about you. Would've been a little creepy."

"Definitely creepy. But, can we backtrack a bit? Back to 'I _definitely_ had a crush on him'?"

Patrick ducks his head, but it only does so much when David is so close to him. He looks up at David through his eyelashes. "Well, yeah. I don't think I thought the words 'I have a crush on David' at the time or let myself know what I was feeling at all, but…"

"But you did," David finishes gleefully.

"Definitely did."

David laughs and leans into Patrick. "I had a crush on you, too," he says quietly into Patrick's shoulder. Patrick grins and drops a kiss on the top of David's head.

"Pretty crazy that we met again."

David hums his agreement, then pulls back a little. "Can I ask why you stopped texting me?"

Patrick draws in a quick breath. "Things were just so complicated with Rachel. And talking to you, the way you made me feel was… dangerous." He drops his gaze, his face closing off in the way it always does when he doesn't want to talk about something.

David nods, then leans in and kisses Patrick, slow and sure and comforting. It's short, and David leans his forehead against Patrick's, eyes closed.

"I'm sorry," Patrick says, his lips grazing David's when he speaks. David rocks his head against Patrick's in the barest of head shakes.

"It's fine," David says, then pulls back, hand cupping Patrick's cheek, and changes the subject. "Do you want to see the vulva sculptures?"

Patrick laughs, a bright surprised sound. He's grinning as he says, "David, I have wanted nothing more than that for the past five years."


End file.
